#I couldn’t get a better quality pic of the first image and it pisses me off

[darlingpeasant]

Excuse the poor quality but this?? This here?? It is my new Roman Empire

THIS PARALLEL

Dancing in amongst a crowd but they are so lost in each other that every other presence in that room disappears

they were so insane for this

[drennalynspast]

[ neglection ]

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2008

Oh lawd.  I always seem to create such unnecessary drama.  I’ve been digging myself in an unpleasant hole.

Firstly, one day, I have had an argument with an online friend.  I rarely argue with my friends.  I hate how it turned came about too.  My e-friend (pseudo named  zd)

 suspected that there was a picture of me online with dave in an amateur pron pic.  I requested that he show me the picture so I could confirm if it was true or not.  Zd was being lame and refused to show it to me  something along the lines of how he had to validate his assumptions with it prior to showing me.  He wanted to make is own judgments and observe things first.   I am all, wtf, man, just show me the picture.

If frustrated me how he wouldn’t listen and was selfish in trying to concern his needs over the fact that this picture pertained to me- and had nothing to do with him.  I just felt like he was toying with my emotions and seemed to have little regard for what I was feeling.  I was getting fucking pissed.  My crappy net caused me to be disconnected from msn.  When I returned, zd sent a message, I just killed our friendship. I am dumb.  I was still irked.  But, eventually things became less hot-blooded in the conversation.  I told him how I felt like I couldn’t be open to him as much anymore.

 He apologized and showed me the image. It wasn’t me.  But the individual looked somewhat closely similar  the picture wasn’t a good quality though, so it is hard to tell.  I told him how I don’t blame him for his assumptions.  Sometimes, I just find it difficult to really express how I am to him anymore...but things change. -------------------- So yeah, I did badly on my o-test.  I am still trying. I know I did better than last semester though.  Even if it is a bad grade, it is better than the first one. So I guess that shows something, I am making some progress.  Even if it isn’t that great, if I can just only try harder.  I went over to kevin’s place so he could help me with the test problems that I got wrong. He really helped me understand it better.  Just talking out the problems with other people makes me understand things more.  I think I should go get help from this guy more often. even if he is hitting on me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Throughout this week, after that friend argument and test news, I’ve been feeling down.  But not critically down. Though somehow, another factor just seems to have magnified how my melancholy emotions are. Dave has been distant lately.  He still talks to me, but he doesn’t hang out with me as much as we used to in the past.  He has personal problems and is busy schoolwork and doesn’t want to involve me in them.  As a result, he appears to be distancing himself from me more.   I admit, I feel neglected especially physically since I haven’t had sex/made out in almost a month X_X.  but I understand people have lives and they should prioritize their needs over mine.  Yes, school and personal affairs are very important. I just wish I could at least hang out with him once a week.  Even for an hour or two  hell, we don’t have to be physical with each other.  I don’t mind just sitting next to him and studying/working on schoolwork.  It just annoys me how someone isn’t willing to allow a small amount of time to be with me.  I know, at this point, I feel fucking clingy and needy.  But I don’t think I am requesting things too much when only a small amount of time is sufficient.  It is not like I call the dude 24/7.  Perhaps I should just be satisfied with the 45 minutes I see him 5 days a week during lunch at school. Apparently I learned he has been having a bothersome medical condition that started occurring lately.  He refuses to tell me the details.  He told me that he needs some distance with things until he 'figures things out'.  God damn it, it pisses me off how men will always offer help to people, but the refuse to receive it for themselves.  It's in their nature where they have to try to prove their own worth and strength.  If they can't solve their own fucking problem, they feel like they are weaker.  Or if they consult help from people, it will tell them that what they are dealing with is extremely serious and 'zomg real'.   Fiine..fine.  Yes, there are some times where I refuse to tell my shit problems to people.  I don't want them to be worried about me and/or I think that they simply would not care.  I feel like their lives are certainly more important than mine, so why the hell would they give a flipping shit about me?  And yes, we all play the hypocrite in wanting to help people, but we don't want others to know about our own problems. Sometimes...you just have to let it out - talk to people about it. From personal experience, bottling things up is really painful.  I don't want someone to suffer alone. Aren't we cowards when we run away?  Aren't we acting like scared little children? Is it really wise to abandon a helpful resource out there  friend support?).  You don't have to tell me the details of your problem..I just want to be there for you somehow, in any way. I don't want someone to feel neglected and alone.  It pains me to know they want distance.  Okay, if that is what Dave is wanting, then fine...I will try to accept it.  But I do want him to know that no matter what happens,  I do care. I am not the type of person who will run away. I've been feeling fucking tired - even though I seem to have had decent hours of sleep.  After I would wake up from a nap, I would somehow still feel tired.  I also just feel like doing nothing...and would want to brood - sit on my bed, wrap myself up in blankets and kill time online. Eventually I would get out of this period of feeling extremely down.  I would be 'okay'.  Then later on during the end of the night, it would come creeping back to me - this emptiness, hollow and blank feeling. Fuuck, must be my female hormones, me on pms, side effects of the birth control pill (lol depression?),  or just...me.  I have no clue.  I need to fucking pull myself together.  Eventually I ended up telling ZD some more personal things.  I guess I don't give a shit what happens.  Maybe this is showing how desperate I am in needing to talk to people - that, I am willing to pour out my feelings to someone online who I have never seen or met. T_T